


23 Weeks

by SEpupppupp (ForNought)



Category: Produce 101 (TV)
Genre: Canon Compliant (Ish), Fluff, M/M, Minor Angst, a cameo from a few members of the boyz, they don't go on that many dates sorry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-07
Updated: 2017-12-07
Packaged: 2019-02-08 12:38:12
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 13,387
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12864690
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ForNought/pseuds/SEpupppupp
Summary: prompt 363: you have to debut, okay? but haknyeon doesn't. hyunmin has taekwondo, but haknyeon only has pages and pages of netizens who want to drag him down.





	23 Weeks

Four weeks pass between the day Hyunmin gets eliminated and the day Haknyeon fails to debut. It is only four weeks but Haknyeon wishes that the time had stretched on longer so he doesn't have to think about how quickly he broke the promise. He wonders whether “you have to debut” was simply an empty encouragement from someone adept at hiding their disappointment, but Haknyeon has been thinking about the words for far too long to find out the truth behind them quickly. 

When the structure of the night breaks and it is time to congratulate the winners he finds Daehwi and lifts him into the air. Daehwi laughs and Haknyeon tells him seriously that he is proud. Daehwi seals Haknyeon in his arms and tells him that this isn't the end. Haknyeon embraces Hyeongseop and commiserates with him and he pulls Jihoon into a hug which has way too much strength in it, though Jihoon doesn't complain about being squeezed. They go backstage and sit together, Jihoon chattering rapidly before sinking into a daze. Haknyeon laughs. He knew right from the start that Jihoon would succeed but Jihoon looks tired when he hears that. 

“But I thought that about you too,” Jihoon says. Haknyeon grips Jihoon’s hand and laughs. 

“I must have stopped trying hard enough then!”

Jihoon starts to refute that but Jinyoung hops over and eagerly nudges Jihoon’s shoulder and Minki comes over to tell Haknyeon that they should keep in touch after this. Jihoon gets swept on another wave of excitement and he doesn't get to finish whatever he intended to say. It is better that way. Haknyeon doesn't want to hear that he tried his hardest if putting all that effort in and more results in failure. 

He finds the production director in charge of them, the man who called Cre.ker with three days before he planned to film to confirm that the spare trainee could come along. 

“It's a shame,” Ahn Joonyoung says with a grim downturn to his mouth. Haknyeon smiles because his mum tells him that his smile is one of her most precious things. He thinks that it is wasted on the PD but he offers it anyway because it is better to think of his mum. Ahn Joonyoung draws Haknyeon into a hug that is too stiff and the tone of his voice is something more suited to the blandness of commenting on the weather. “You're a very precious trainee to me, Haknyeon. The 101st.”

“Yeah,” Haknyeon says. He doesn't feel very precious. He spent weeks overhearing whispers in the streets and scrolling through the comments of articles and finding pages and pages of people swearing at his mum, attacking his sisters and telling Haknyeon himself to do things that he would never wish on another person. He hasn't had a full night's sleep in months. At first it was for the gruelling practices but now, when exhaustion begs him to lie in bed for a night he is kept awake wondering if he really is how he appears on screen. So Haknyeon doesn't feel very precious but he wears a smile because it makes his mum happy. 

Once Haknyeon has been polite enough, thanking a man for blessing him with this opportunity to grow and develop (even though these days he is mired with fear and impotence), he finds his family in a side-corridor backstage. His younger sister couldn't come to the studio to watch but she is probably still awake at their older sister's flat, curled up in bed and disappointed with the results of the broadcast. He hugs his mum and he hugs his sister and he is so happy to have both of them in his arms like this. He is even happy when he accepts his sister's phone to talk to the baby of the family. 

“You did well,” she whispers. She is so quiet but her voice is snuffly and thick. It isn’t until now that his mounting disappointment brims and begins to seep out of him. His older sister smiles sympathetically and pulls Haknyeon into her arms. 

“She told all of her school friends to vote for you,” his older sister says gently and Haknyeon nods. He knows because he has been told this a dozen times and his sister even said she would when Haknyeon promised to make her proud. And now he is crying under the stark fluorescent lights of backstage where he can hear the bustle and fanfare surrounding the successful trainees, one of his sisters is far from here and holding back her tears, his other sister is stroking his hair and telling him that he is allowed to cry more. 

“I hate Wanna One,” the little one says. She shouldn't sound so vehement. She is young and cute and Haknyeon isn't in control enough to protect her from spite. 

“You shouldn't. They're good. They deserve to debut.”

“You deserve it too!” she insists, crystal virtue in the clarity of her voice. 

This is too hard over the phone. He sniffs into his other sister's shoulder. “Please don't resent them because I wasn't good enough. They're my friends. I need to work harder to improve. It was silly of me to tell you that I could debut here when even my company doesn't think that I am ready.” 

“Don’t say things like that, Haknyeon.” 

He flinches and his sister draws away from him slowly, extracts the phone from his hand, and she turns him in the direction of the voice. 

Hyunmin looks a bit strange in the uniform now that everything is on the cusp of ending. He is fiddling with the buttons on his grey blazer and his tie is loosened. He bows quickly to Haknyeon’s mum and sister and greets them loudly before taking a few tentative steps closer. 

“Everyone is stupid, that’s why they didn’t vote for you,” Hyunmin says. He sounds so certain about it that Haknyeon feels bad for not believing him. Not as bad as he feels for breaking the promise in the first place. 

“You have to debut,” Hyunmin had said on an afternoon four weeks ago. Today Haknyeon finds himself at a loss for what to do. When the trainees had swarmed the stage to reunite under the confetti and reminisce over the months past, Haknyeon had tried to avoid Hyunmin. He had spied snatches of him hugging his friends and moved in other directions so he didn’t have to face up to his failings. But now everything has caught up with him. 

“They picked a good group,” Haknyeon says. Hyunmin shakes his head and comes close enough to hold Haknyeon’s hand - he doesn’t though, Haknyeon only knows that he is close enough and he waits to see it if will finally happen. 

“It could have been better.”

“They’re your friends too,” Haknyeon says. Hyunmin grins and reaches up to cup Haknyeon’s face and swipes away the dampness on his cheeks. 

“But none of them are you,” Hyunmin says. Hyunmin lowers his voice and smiles. “There must be something better for you. Maybe there was a reason that you have some more time. Maybe, until you work it out, you’re supposed to hang out with me for a few days.”

Haknyeon takes a step back and swipes at his face. He knows he is blotchy and snotty because that always happens when he cries too hard and maybe he shouldn't let Hyunmin see him up close like this. 

“You want to hang out with me for a few days?” Haknyeon asks. He sniffs loudly but not loudly enough to completely cover the sound of his sister muttering something to their mum. 

“You have been busy for a while and you’re going to get busier. I want to see you as much as possible before you become a superstar,” Hyunmin says. Haknyeon feels a laugh pulling at his mouth and Hyunmin grins. “You’re smiling because you know it’s true, right? You’re going to be the biggest star in Korea and you won’t have any time for your old friend Byun Hyunmin.”

“I’ll always have time for you, Hyunmin,” Haknyeon says.  

 

*

 

Hyunmin comes to see Haknyeon the very next morning even though it is unlikely that he was able to get any sleep and he is mid-yawn when the door opens. He brings his laptop and a carrier bag of snacks. 

“Am I on time?” Hyunmin asks. Any time is the right time but Haknyeon is embarrassed about saying that aloud when his mum is in earshot. Instead he smiles and pulls Hyunmin inside by his hand. 

His mum already knows that he has invited a friend over but he shouts to let her know as he drags Hyunmin to his bedroom and slams the door. And he has Hyunmin in front of him and it doesn’t feel like only a few hours had elapsed since Haknyeon became unsure of his future. Hyunmin leans back against the door and here is an odd look in his eyes as he smiles up at Haknyeon. 

“Why, Ju Haknyeon, this is so forward of you. You should have told me before that you invited me here to get me into be…” Hyunmin trails off with an odd sound. The look in his eye sharpens and he jerks his chin in the direction of the bed. Haknyeon’s little sister is curled up in a fluffy blanket and squinting at the two of them suspiciously. 

“What are you doing?” she asks. 

Haknyeon could ask the same thing, but he doesn’t because he loves her very much. He can never tell whether she looks more like him or his sister when they were her age but he knows that neither of them were as serious and grown up as she is. She speaks like she is an adult and Haknyeon wonders whether this is her being reliable in her own way. It’s cute, but it would be much cuter if he wasn’t trying to work out whether Hyunmin was flirting with him just now.

“Do you want to join us too?” Haknyeon asks. He backs away from Hyunmin and sits beside his sister on the bed. “Hyunmin and I are going to watch some movies and eat snacks. I know we’re not supposed to eat in bed but if you promise to keep it a secret we will let you have some too.”

“I’m sure there’s only enough for two though,” Hyunmin says as he peers into the carrier bag. Haknyeon glares at him and Hyunmin sighs. “You’re small. I guess it will be easy to share.”

“You haven’t seen me eat yet,” Haknyeon’s sister says, already reaching her hands out for a chocolate bar. 

Hyunmin sets up his laptop and leans into Haknyeon’s side to scroll through the films on offer. “There are some action movies that I want to check out but-”

A small hand, already smeared with melted chocolate, jabs at the screen. “Does that have naked ladies in it? My brother doesn’t like naked ladies.”

“It’s an action movie. There might be ladies wearing bikinis. I haven’t seen it yet.”

“Bikini ladies aren’t good either.”

“I’m sure there are plenty of naked men for your precious brother to distract himself with.”

Haknyeon’s little sister glares. “You’re making fun of me.”

Hyunmin leans back and gives Haknyeon a significant look. Haknyeon knows that isn’t what was planned but he can’t tell his sister to leave. They haven’t been able to spend proper time together either. He smiles apologetically and Hyunmin pouts. 

“Let’s start off with something that we can all enjoy,” Haknyeon says. His finger judders over the tracking pad as he scrolls through and he stops when he gets to Spongebob Squarepants because that seems safe. Kids all around the world love Spongebob and Haknyeon hadn’t missed all the times Hyunmin has sketched the sponge on their very official and important plans during their time recording Produce 101.

“This looks good. Let’s all watch some cartoons together!” 

His sister agrees which is fine. Haknyeon pretends not to hear Hyunmin mutter something about looking at a naked man as soon as she leaves. He pretends not to hear but his face feels hot and he hopes Hyunmin isn’t serious. Haknyeon is a bit too shy for that when he is yet to confirm how genuine Hyunmin is. 

Hyunmin quiets down as they watch Spongebob and he tips his head onto Haknyeon’s shoulder. It’s nice like this, and it is almost what Hyunmin wanted. They spend a few hours together and it is almost as though last night never happened. 

 

*

 

The next day Hyunmin says that he needs to go shopping and Haknyeon absolutely must come with him. Haknyeon wishes he had asked what they are supposed to buy. They have been to too many shops without doing anything more than trying things on. 

Hyunmin slides some novelty sunglasses on Haknyeon’s face. He steps back and grins. 

“You look good in anything, you know.” 

Haknyeon takes his time choosing another pair of sunglasses. One eye is a glittery blue star and the other is a glittery purple moon. He puts them on Hyunmin and feels satisfied with that. Hyunmin looks good in anything too. He suggests they take a selfie together because they look funny. Really it is because there are moments that he doesn’t want to forget and he is afraid of what Hyunmin said at the final. Hyunmin is a trainee too so even if Haknyeon must wait a long time to debut there is a chance that Hyunmin could stand on stage before him, or Hyunmin could stand on another sort of stage for his taekwondo, and even then he would have to leave Haknyeon behind. 

Hyunmin loops his arm around Haknyeon’s waist and his body is solid and warm at his side. Haknyeon struggles to take the picture as he sinks into Hyunmin’s side but he eventually does it and he sees how silly his face looks. Hyunmin tells him he looks cute but Haknyeon isn’t so sure when his mouth is so wobbly and he looks so flushed. 

“It looks like I have met a celebrity,” Haknyeon frowns. Hyunmin laughs. 

“Yeah, but you must feel that way every time you look in the mirror.” 

“How can you say things like that so easily?” Haknyeon asks. Hyunmin shrugs.

“I feel shameless around you. It is already embarrassing that I like you so much so I might as well be honest about it.”

That sounds brave. Almost. Haknyeon thinks he has heard something strange. “Is it embarrassing to like someone?”

Hyunmin slides the sunglasses onto his head and looks earnestly up at Haknyeon. “It is really cool to like someone, but I talk about you a lot and sometimes people tease me about it. But I don't mind! You're really nice to me so I'm happy.”

Haknyeon removes his sunglasses too. “Of course I am nice to you! I really like you!”

“Oh good,” Hyunmin says agreeably. “You used to flirt with me a lot but you stopped recently so I couldn't be sure.”

Haknyeon isn't entirely certain what Hyunmin is referring to because he doesn't know what Hyunmin had classed as flirting. He wonders if any of it had been caught on camera and edited out - maybe this is what Ahn Joonyoung had meant by Haknyeon being precious. He would have been eliminated right at the start when people saw him struggle more than usual with the choreography all because he was distracted by the cute boy in F class who easily joked with him and confessed that he hadn't brought enough pairs of underwear - but the whole point of spending time with Hyunmin is so he can have a break and not dwell on things he can't change. He can't help but wonder when Hyunmin decided that Haknyeon had stopped flirting with him and what that had looked like. 

He feels self-conscious about their proximity but he tries to pretend it doesn't bother him at all. He puts his phone away and changes the subject. 

“Are you hungry? We should get something to eat.”

Hyunmin shrugs. “A while ago my brother told me about a nice place not far from here. But it depends on how hungry you are. It’s all just light snacks and cute food.”

Haknyeon hadn't expected his change of pace to go down so well but there is something hopeful about Hyunmin’s expression. Even if Haknyeon isn't actually hungry he wouldn't feel good about backing out now. He smiles and replaces their novelty sunglasses on the rack. 

“Lead the way!”

The place Hyunmin’s brother had recommended is a small café. Haknyeon doesn't know how to ask about the circumstances that led to its suggestion. He couldn’t imagine his sister recommending him to go to a place like this unless specifically asked. The only word Haknyeon can think of to describe the café is ‘romantic’. 

The decor consists of light timber, exposed beams and wide windows. Each of the tables is adorned with a floral centrepiece and all of the customers appear to be couples. Haknyeon likes Hyunmin, and he even admitted that very recently, but being here is already nerve-wracking. 

Hyunmin finds them a table near the back corner, which feels like a mistake when the girls at the next table giggle and whisper to one another. Of course Haknyeon is already perspiring from the summer heat but the thought of being recognised at a time like this works up a real sweat. 

The Produce 101 final was mere days ago. The disappointment that Haknyeon had steeled himself for still hadn't quite sunk in yet. Haknyeon is taking the presence of his mum and sister for granted. The days they dedicated to seeing him are being spent with someone else. They have to return to the farm soon but instead of cherishing their time Haknyeon is out with Hyunmin. It might even be a date. 

Hyunmin doesn't care. He smiles at Haknyeon from across the table. He says, “This is nice!”

Haknyeon swallows the lump in his throat and tries to smile back. “Have you been here before?”

Hyunmin’s eyes boggle and he flushes, coy, as he dips his chin to his chest. “How could I have come here before? This is a place to bring someone special.”

Haknyeon's skin prickles. He wants to be special but he is concerned about how much the girls at the adjacent table can hear. It isn’t embarrassing to like someone, but if the girls recognise them and see Haknyeon being so lovey-dovey with Hyunmin they might think less of his resolve as a trainee. 

He lowers his voice and says, “Alright, let’s forget that. Do you know what the food is like?” 

“What’s wrong?” Hyunmin asks. Haknyeon barely gets to finish his question and Hyunmin is giving him a strange look. Haknyeon doesn’t want Hyunmin to look at him like he thinks Haknyeon is being cagey and strange, but he also doesn’t want to work out what this is in a place where other people can hear. 

Haknyeon smiles and shakes his head. “Nothing is wrong. Why would you think that?” 

The smile doesn’t work and Hyunmin drops his gaze to the table between them. “I think I have put you in an awkward position. Sorry. If I am misunderstanding all on my own you should tell me now.”

“What?”

“When I said that I like you I meant it seriously.” Hyunmin looks up at Haknyeon and smiles a little sadly. “If you reject me firmly now I promise I will still be your friend if you want me to be.”

“Hyunmin, that’s-” The girls at the next table shush each other too obviously and this time Haknyeon can’t help but look at them. One of the girls pretends to scroll through her phone while the other awkwardly greets them. 

“Hello. Even though you didn’t debut you should be proud of doing so well.”

Haknyeon nods even though this isn’t something his wants to hear. “Thank you.”

He was right to be wary. When he looks across the table at Hyunmin he is hoping for some semblance of understanding. Instead what he gets is Hyunmin staring at the centrepiece for a beat too long before he addresses the girls. 

“Our Haknyeon did so well, didn’t he? He is resting for a few days but you will see him on broadcast soon! Even I made friends with him like this but it won’t be long before I only get to see him through broadcasts too! Let’s all do our best to cheer him on!”

It is enough for the girls to agree to offer support in this debut which Hyunmin has just invented before one of them feels uncomfortable enough to suggest they both take a trip to the toilets.

Hyunmin chuckles. “That’s embarrassing. I didn’t know they could hear when I was telling you to reject me. When they come back we can tell them that I am just a strange friend. We don’t want them to start rumours about you before you even get a chance to debut.”

“You’re not a strange friend,” Haknyeon says quickly. Hyunmin smiles lopsidedly but it strikes Haknyeon as artificial so he adds, “You’re a really good friend to me.”

“Alright,” Hyunmin nods. “But while they’re gone we should be clear. You’re rejecting me and telling me to just be your friend, right?”

“No way!” Haknyeon says. He can admit that his voice is too loud but he is a bit annoyed. “I just don’t want people listening in. Just because we spent four months having everything broadcast to the nation it doesn’t mean I want this to be the same.”

“Oh,” Hyunmin says. “So you’re not rejecting me?”

“I’m not rejecting you,” Haknyeon confirms. “I think we should try dating seriously.”

Hyunmin gets very red and splutters at this but luckily there are lots of pink napkins for Haknyeon to shove in his face. 

 

*

 

Despite what Haknyeon said, they don’t actually get to try ‘seriously dating’ straight away. Haknyeon doesn’t have long before the concerts that he is contractually bound to. He goes to Jeju for a few days, returns with his mum and his sister and greets the baby pigs and plays with the older ones even though his mum says he gets them too excited and they will fight among themselves when he is gone. Haknyeon can’t help it because the pigs are so cute but his little sister scolds him thoroughly and pinches him when she catches him disobeying. 

He chats with Sunwoo whenever he can and he tries not to feel bad about neglecting the rest of the boys he trains with at Cre.ker because the result is slowly sinking in. Without Hyunmin constantly around he becomes very aware of the fact that he doesn't have too many options right now. But his company still know that it is better for him to greet the people who supported him and he does a VLive. Immediately after it ends his mum passes him an apple. 

“Have a snack.”

“Another one? Another apple?” Haknyeon asks as he chews. His mum has been passing him lots of apples recently and he isn’t sure why. 

“You haven't been eating much,” she says from across the table. “Don't think that I haven't noticed.”

Haknyeon is about to tell her that he is on a diet, though he stops himself when he remembers that right now he has no reason to be. He smiles and his mum smiles back. He shouldn’t worry her.

“I am hungry now that they asked me about food on the broadcast,” Haknyeon says. “Is it bad that I sort of want pizza?”

His mum smiles more widely and nods. “It is fantastic that you want pizza. I will go out and get you some.”

“You don’t have to do that,” Haknyeon protests. His mum is having none of it and assures Haknyeon that she needs to go out anyway. It doesn’t sound entirely true and his little sister pouts about Haknyeon not wanting barbecue sauce on the pizza. 

He remains at the kitchen table while he listens to his sister singing quietly to the piglet who had joined him for the broadcast. Things are always changing around the farm even when he doesn’t think he has been gone for long. Piglets are born, his mum buys and sells sows, new fences are erected, the suppliers of pig feed change, his sister gets taller, more lines gather around his mum’s eyes, the family learns to function with the missing pieces again and again. 

Haknyeon has only been back at the farm for a few days. The changes that happen so rapidly in his absence have paused. It might simply because he isn’t here that everything is static. Things could be the same in Seoul. Whenever he isn’t around to see things is the time when changes occur most quickly. 

Haknyeon wonders what sort of things will be different when he gets back to Seoul. Will he have a future at his company? Will he still be able to show his face proudly at school? Will Hyunmin still be interested?

The timing of the message pinging on Haknyeon’s phone was too much of a coincidence but when his sister pops back into the kitchen he pretends he isn’t surprised at all. She squints at him suspiciously and whispers something to the piglet about how Haknyeon can’t be trusted. She ducks back out of the kitchen and Haknyeon opens the message. 

 

BHM: I missed it! :(((

JHN: What did you miss?? (°_°) 

BHM: Well…

BHM: I missed you. And I still miss you <3

JHN: (#^.^#)

BHM: But you were on VApp!

BHM: I missed the notification!

BHM: I will watch the replay but it isn’t the same! 

JHN: I miss you too, Hyunmin!!!

BHM: Can I call you?

 

Haknyeon hesitates. Hyunmin misses him, and hearing that is more than he could have hoped for, but talking with Hyunmin like this might be too much. Nervousness pangs through Haknyeon’s chest and his throat feels bunged with things he dare not say aloud (at least not yet, not when he still isn’t sure). But so many days have passed where they only text into the night and Hyunmin cuts off the conversation early because he needs to wake up early in the morning. 

Haknyeon calls Hyunmin instead of sending a reply. 

“I asked if I could call you,” Hyunmin pouts. He sounds so disappointed by it but Haknyeon can’t help but smile. 

“Does it make a difference?” Haknyeon asks.

“I can hear your voice and it sounds happy. Are you laughing at me because I wanted to be the one to call you?”

“I’m not laughing, Hyunmin. I’m just happy.”

Hyunmin hums. He doesn’t sound sure about that but he doesn’t question it. He takes a deep breath. Even this sound is enough for the odd numbness in Haknyeons chest (the numbness that he first noticed when Hyunmin was eliminated from Produce 101 and Haknyeon wondered what he was supposed to do warm himself with laughter without him) to pulse against his ribs. Even during the times when Hyunmin was right beside Haknyeon he was still familiar with this longing, almost as though his body couldn’t accept their proximity because it wouldn’t be long before he lost it. Haknyeon as certainly lost that proximity now. All he has are his own thoughts of wanting to see Hyunmin and not being sure of whether he even can. 

“Hyunmin, I-” Haknyeon stops because Hyunmin spoke at the same time. He waits and Hyunmin tells him to go first. Haknyeon doesn’t think he can. Instead of telling Hyunmin that he needs him, Haknyeon says something that feels safer at this early stage. “You were on TV the other day. My sister recorded it and I watched it a few times. You looked like you had a lot of fun.”

“I really did!” Hyunmin says brightly. “But, didn’t I tell you about my trip to Cheorwon already? It happened a while ago so I thought I must have.”

Haknyeon isn’t sure. Hyunmin talks a lot. Sometimes Haknyeon doesn’t hear everything he says because he focuses on other things like how the words exuberantly bubble out of Hyunmin’s chest and how he adds sound effects and funny gestures to punctuate his statements. And, of course, he is so handsome yet he doesn’t mind making silly faces just to make Haknyeon laugh. He has the sort of face that is very chic but his personality is so bright and Haknyeon loves that.

This reminds Haknyeon that he has stopped listening once more. He can’t help it. He can’t help but think about how wonderful every part of Hyunmin is. But he doesn’t want to seem silly about this. 

“You did tell me,” Haknyeon says, because it probably is true, “But you came out really well on broadcast.”

“Even if I’m short?” Hyunmin asks. 

“You’re not short.”

“I was the shortest one there!” Hyunmin chuckles. It isn’t that Hyunmin is short, it is just that Sungwoo and Taewoo are tall. Hyunmin is perfect. He is the perfect height for Haknyeon to hug and the perfect height for Haknyeon to stare at and think about kissing. 

Hyunmin being the perfect height and being perfectly friendly and telling perfect jokes and having perfect cheekbones are among the things that got Haknyeon into trouble before. He tried to work hard a lot and he has always been a slow learner. It didn’t help the position evaluation that Hyunmin was in the group and so eager to play around. He was distracting. But Haknyeon still finds himself distracted by thoughts of Hyunmin even when he is supposed to be talking and listening to Hyunmin. 

“Haknyeon?” Hyunmin says patiently. 

“Yeah?”

Hyunmin sighs but the sound isn't entirely irritated. “Haknyeon, I really miss you a lot. I have been practicing so hard recently and you still haven't appeared before me. Are my efforts going to waste?”

“I want to see you too,” Haknyeon says quickly. “We still haven't had a date yet. A proper one.”

“We could go go-karting,” Hyunmin suggests. “And then we could go for burgers afterwards. If you wanted to?”

“Anything would be fine. But that does sound really fun.”

“Yeah?” Hyunmin breathes into the phone. “Let me know when you’ll be back and we can work something out.”

Haknyeon hesitates at that. He must return quickly to Seoul because he is scheduled for practices for the top 35 concerts and he isn’t sure when he will have time to fit meeting Hyunmin around that. He doesn’t want to disappoint Hyunmin because going on dates is what he wants too but he hadn’t thought thing would actually be difficult. They have already admitted to liking one another so Haknyeon thought the difficult part was over. Instead he is noticing the places where things can get harder. 

“I don't have an exact date yet but I will let you know,” Haknyeon says quietly. It isn’t a lie because he doesn't have a return ticket to the mainland and the only certainty is that he will need to be back soon to practice with everyone else. It feels like a lie and despite wishing to have more of Hyunmin (more time, more of his voice, more opportunities to see him and touch him and remember how happy he makes Haknyeon) he needs to end this before he feels any worse. “Oh, I think I hear my mum returning and she is carrying lots of things. I will call you again tomorrow. Text me later though.”

Hyunmin sounds surprised but he says his farewell and promises to text Haknyeon as much as possible throughout the day. Haknyeon hangs up and wishes that the phone call hadn't happened like that. 

He looks up from his phone to see his little sister peering around the doorframe. 

“You're not a very good actor,” she says. “It is a good job that you want to sing and dance instead.”

 

*

 

It is nice getting together with everyone to practice for the concerts. Despite the concert being a reminder of Haknyeon’s own failings he can make peace with the fact that he isn’t alone in that. Twenty four others are in the same situation as him putting their own pride aside for the eleven who are already so far from them. 

Haknyeon misses how easy it was to be with Jihoon but suddenly he is unapproachable. It might just be himself creating this distance, as though he has disappointed Jihoon as much as he has disappointed Hyunmin, but it is still difficult. 

Euiwoong smiles at Haknyeon and it is settling to know that at least they still have each other. Practicing for Boy in Luv is strange. Their group is much the same as it was before and there isn’t much escape from people who were more successful. Haknyeon, Euiwoong and Samuel are in the minority but the mood isn’t as high as it should be considering how many of the group were successful.

“You haven’t been around much,” Euiwoong says during a break. He passes Haknyeon a bottle of water from his bag and digs around a bit longer before handing over some chocolate too. 

“Thanks,” Haknyeon says. “Have you been to school much?”

Euiwoong shakes his head and smiles, his eyes sparkling and his cheeks dimpling in a way that makes Haknyeon feel oddly at ease. “I don’t think I’ll be going back for a few weeks. I have schedules lined up.”

Haknyeon doesn’t have any schedules lined up. He has a few meetings at the offices when the concerts are out of the way but he isn’t getting his hopes up about those. Nobody at his company is very interested in what he does for the time being. It might be that amount of freedom and the fact that Euiwoong is one of his closest friends but Haknyeon decides to admit something which he never could if he was about to debut.

“I have some dates to look forward to.”

“Dates?” Euiwoong splutters. He thumps his chest and caps his bottle of water before smiling curiously up at Haknyeon. “What sort of dates?”

“I have a very special friend,” Haknyeon says. It feels good to talk about Hyunmin like this. Even though he still hasn’t confirmed a date for them to meet and he is nervous about anything more than responding to texts about whether various animals can get six-packs, it feels good to have something that he can be happy about. 

He doesn't have thousands of fans and a starting point for his career, but he has this special sort of happiness. It isn't until now that he even considers how sharing this secret could make him near giddy with excitement. He wants to push more so that the thoughts of Hyunmin fog up all the spaces in his mind where remnants of his disappointment have started to gather, so he leans closer to Euiwoong and says, “If I tell you who it is will you keep it a secret?” Euiwoong's eyes widen so Haknyeon adds, “Even from Hyeongseop?” 

“I wouldn't tell someone else one of your secrets,” Euiwoong says steadily. It is a lie because there have been a few occasions where Hyeongseop mysteriously knows things that he shouldn't, but Haknyeon has his own confidantes that he doesn't include when agreeing to conditions like this. Hyeongseop will inevitably find out anyway but a large part of Haknyeon wants to enjoy saturating himself with this feeling over and over. 

“I really like Hyunmin. I want to be able to do really well so he can like me even more.” 

“Hyunmin?” Euiwoong repeats. He frowns for a moment before the expression is chased away by surprise. “You’re talking about K-Tigers Byun Hyunmin, right?”

Haknyeon nods. “That’s right.”

“How long has this been going on for and why are you only telling me now?” Euiwoong asks, a teasing glint in his eye as he jabs Haknyeon in the ribs. 

Haknyeon squirms away, laughing, and he hadn’t realised that sharing this secret could only make him feel happier and happier. “It’s new. I haven’t told anyone else yet.”

This time Euiwoong splutters on nothing and his eyes widen as he slaps Haknyeon’s arm a bit too hard. He keeps hitting Haknyeon as he hisses, “Are you serious? You haven’t told anyone else?”

Haknyeon bites his lip against a smile before trying to keep his voice down when he says, “It is very, very new. We haven’t been on any proper dates yet but after this is over we are going to do as much as possible.”

Euiwoong gives Haknyeon a mischievous look, almost a leer, and Haknyeon flushes. 

“I’m not saying anything strange! I mean we’re going to go on lots of dates! Stop looking at me like that!” 

Euiwoong does stop leering but his awkward laugh is no better, not when an arm is slung over Haknyeon’s shoulder heavily. Jihoon has joined them with  a curious smile. “I was just on my way to tell you that the break is over and it seems like it isn’t a minute too soon. Is this what you’re doing these days, Haknyeon, propositioning innocent young boys?” 

Euiwoong laughs even louder but Haknyeon struggles to pull his mouth into any sort of smile. This is the first thing Jihoon has said directly to Haknyeon all day, the first thing not filtered through the general consensus of the group until there is a concentration of unease seeping through Haknyeon’s skin.

Haknyeon looks askance and he would rather not have to see the hesitance straining around Jihoon’s eyes and the stiffness of his smile. He slips away from Jihoon’s arm, steps closer to Euiwoong, and says, “We’re doing well at practicing.”

Jihoon frowns at the change of subject. “Are we?”

“Of course,” Haknyeon says, looking to Euiwoong for back-up, “This might even turn out to be better than the first time we performed it.”

Euiwoong is still smiling but there is careful neutrality about it. Haknyeon has no choice but to look at the dissatisfaction on Jihoon’s face. 

“How about us, Haknyeon,” Jihoon says quietly. “Are we alright?”

“It looks like we’re practicing my part next,” Euiwoong lies as he slips away. 

Haknyeon doesn’t know what to say. He doesn’t want to admit that he feels strange being around Jihoon at a time like this. He still remembers the blankness of his face as he said he expected Haknyeon to have made it. It isn’t something that can be helped, because Haknyeon must not have done a good enough job at performing and appealing to people, but there is still a fracture in the air. Haknyeon hadn’t even clung to Jihoon and nodded and promised the world to his tearful discontent - that was Hyunmin who made Haknyeon happy enough in thought alone but is is getting difficult to actually face him as much as he wants it. Jihoon had only expressed his surprise while it was fresh and Haknyeon is only now getting to grips with his own disappointment. 

As time goes on, Haknyeon has wondered things like why Jihoon felt he had the right to be shocked and upset over Haknyeon’s failure. Jihoon should have been happy for himself and left it at that but now Haknyeon thinks he resents Jihoon who was always at the very top from the start. But he can’t admit that now. Even though Jihoon looks like he already knows, Haknyeon can’t admit to having such ugly feelings.

He smiles as he can and says, “We’re fine, Jihoon.” Jihoon doesn’t look to sure and Haknyeon adds, “I am really proud of you, Jihoon. You’re going to be amazing.” 

“I’m proud of you too,” Jihoon says quietly. “You went through a lot and you deserved more than what you got. But there aren’t any hard feelings, right?”

“Hard feelings?” Haknyeon asks. 

Jihoon brushes his hair out of his eyes and looks away for a second. “I understand how you’re feeling now but I hope that in future we can just support each other. I don’t want us to throw away our friendship when there is something good for you in future.”

“Oh,” Haknyeon says. The others have gathered and are loosely running through the actions of the routine. The break is effectively over but Jihoon is staring steadily at Haknyeon and it seems like something that they have to resolve right now before any more of their practice time is wasted. “Of course I want to support you. You have worked hard for this, Jihoon, I’m proud of you.”

Jihoon nods slowly. “I’m proud of you too. It would have been nice to debut together but we can be successful in our own ways.” He reaches a tentative hand out and he still looks uncertain despite his words. This isn’t the Jihoon that Haknyeon knows. It only then occurs to Haknyeon that he is the one making things strange. He grabs Jihoon’s hand tightly and smiles. 

“You’re going to be the number one idol in Korea, Jihoon! I am going to have all your merchandise!”

Jihoon laughs and tugs Haknyeon into a brief hug. “So we’re fine?”

“I already said we’re fine!” Haknyeon says brightly. 

 

*

 

Haknyeon is exhausted from practicing for the concert and night has already fallen but Haknyeon has been waiting for this all day. Park Jihoon thinking he was disliked was one thing but it gave Haknyeon pause. Every break for the rest of the day had Haknyeon checking his phone for messages that indicated how Hyunmin felt about being neglected. 

All along Haknyeon had been scared. It was nice being with Hyunmin and it was a comfort to spend time with him but even then he was still focused on the negative - the one thing that didn’t really matter. So when it was time for everyone to disperse Haknyeon sent a message asking for Hyunmin to meet him as soon as possible. 

The air is cooler now than it had been earlier in the day but Haknyeon has been sweating all day from practice and he was still overheated after taking a shower. The chill in the air is keeping Haknyeon awake and he doesn’t feel so bad about sitting on a table outside a convenience store eating ramen. 

Like this, Haknyeon can hold onto the realisation he had about how ruminating on his perceived failures made other people uncomfortable as he thought himself in circles about it. Hyunmin had been a friend to Haknyeon all along and hadn’t been bitter at all when he had dropped from the competition. He had cheered Haknyeon on and had been there for him in every possible way. Now they were on the verge of something else and it won’t do for Haknyeon to hold on to useless inadequacies when all he wants is to enjoy all the time he has with Hyunmin. 

Haknyeon is halfway through his ramen when Hyunmin appears and sits on the chair next to him with a frown.

“You're already eating?” Hyunmin says. Haknyeon nods and gathers a huge mouthful of ramen. He blows on them too cool and holds it up to Hyunmin’s mouth. “What are you doing?” 

“You should share this with me. I am still going to be hungry anyway so you should eat too,” Haknyeon explains. Hyunmin hesitates for a moment and his face is pulls in confusion for a moment before he thanks Haknyeon quietly and lets himself be fed. 

Haknyeon wound the huge ball of ramen too tightly around his chopsticks and they get stuck in Hyunmin's mouth and he struggles as Haknyeon pulls. Hyunmin chews but he doesn't make much headway until Haknyeon steadies him with a hand at the back of his neck and removes the chopsticks individually. Hyunmin regards Haknyeon suspiciously until he swallows. 

“Did something happen? You're not acting like you're embarrassed to be seen with me.”

“Hyunmin! when do I do that?” Haknyeon asks. To think that he is still so hungry and he offered to share his food with Hyunmin. He huffs and Hyunmin chuckles quietly. 

“That's not fair of me,” Hyunmin says. “But you're different.”

“How can you have decided something like that in one minute? You only just arrived.”

Hyunmin shrugs. “You don't normally touch me so comfortably.”

It is a silly thing to say. Haknyeon has always comfortably reached for Hyunmin. There were times when his hands were more cautious because he didn't want his nervousness to be discovered but they agreed to try this properly. Now that Haknyeon has decided to forget about wondering if people are disappointed in him he doesn't want to waste the moments that he does have by taking too long over the things he has anticipated. 

Their knees knock together under the table, Hyunmin's leg is warm and Haknyeon presses firmly against that. He needs it now that the nighttime breeze has sapped most of the heat out of the air. Previously the breeze was pleasant but now that Hyunmin is here Haknyeon wants to be warm again. His fingers had been kept busy while he was eating but now that he has stopped the blood flow isn't so insistent and his hands are beginning to chill. He nudges the back of Hyunmin's hand closest to him. It is cold so Haknyeon slides their palms together and does the same with Hyunmin’s other hand. It won't do for Hyunmin to be cold either. 

“I could touch you more comfortably if you'd like.”

Hyunmin splutters and tears his hands away to thump at his chest. 

Haknyeon frowns. “What's the matter?”

Hyunmin gets his lungs back under control and and pouts at Haknyeon. “Why are you saying things like that? You seriously could have killed me.”

Haknyeon thinks back over what he said. It wasn't that bad. He leans closer and drops his voice to say, “If you wanted to, we could do that too.”

Hyunmin looks at him injuredly. “We haven't even kissed yet and you're saying awful things like this?”

Haknyeon gets closer. Hyunmin blinks rapidly and his gaze slips sideways as his breath stops puffing out through his nose. When Haknyeon lifts his hands to cup Hyunmin’s face, he is greeted with wide eyes and a gusting gasp. 

“Can we kiss now?” Haknyeon asks. 

Hyunmin's tongue pokes between his lips and swipes briefly before he exhales, a shuddering breath that could be a laugh without any of the humour. “I want to kiss you but we can't do anything more than that. I like you a lot, Haknyeon, but it would be too soon.”

Haknyeon nods. He had mostly been joking anyway and getting to kiss is more than Haknyeon expected. He smiles, because it is one of his most precious things and Hyunmin deserves to see something positive from Haknyeon after all this time of putting up with his sourness. He says, “I like you a lot too, Hyunmin. He don't need to do anything at all, you know. I mean, we don't even have to kiss if you don't want to-”

“I want to kiss you!” Hyunmin interrupts with fervent nodding between Haknyeon's hands. 

“We can kiss,” Haknyeon says. “But we absolutely won't do anything else until we are both ready. We have to be sure and we need to be able to back out if we change our minds. Even if I give you the day I want to and we do loads of cool stuff and I treat you as specially as you deserve, we should both be able to say if we don't want to, alright?”

“Haknyeon,” Hyunmin says, his voice low. “That's great and I agree but you were just joking around, right? So we can discuss that stuff closer to the time. And you can kiss me right now.”

“Oh, yes,” Haknyeon agrees. “Let's kiss then.”

Haknyeon closes the gap between them slowly. He counts the increments in breaths and he can feel the restrained puffs of air from Hyunmin in the seconds before he holds his breath. Haknyeon isn’t as nervous as he had assumed he would be. He hasn’t been nervous about kissing Hyunmin for a while. It has been something he has wanted to do for a while, more recently something he was able to think about in very tangible terms but even before then he had let himself wonder whether he could. 

Haknyeon isn’t nervous but he wants to be very careful. He brushes his lips softly against Hyunmin’s, listens out for the fragmented laugh that accompanies the aborted exhale against his mouth. Haknyeon tries again a bit firmer and there isn’t anything better than putting stupid stuff aside and getting to learn things like this. 

Haknyeon doesn’t get to learn too much more about kissing Hyunmin because the old lady working the convenience store comes out to point out that it is getting late and they should get home. Hyunmin is very cute and flustered and apologises profusely to the woman while assuring her that they are normally very good young men who never try to disrupt business levels by kissing as they please. It is difficult for Haknyeon to offer his own cursory apology when he is stifling giggles. 

But they don’t go home. It is late and Haknyeon is tired and tomorrow he has more practice for the concert but he didn’t invite Hyunmin out for no reason. They go to McDonalds and Hyunmin insists on paying, which is silly because it is cheap anyway but his cheeks are red and he offers a wobbly smile with the assertion of, “It is a date, isn’t it?”

It is an impulse meeting and neither of them are dressed as though they put any effort in and they’re in McDonalds. And Hyunmin called it a date so it is a date. There aren’t too many other customers because it is late so Haknyeon doesn’t feel worried about being seen when he rests his head on Hyunmin’s shoulder and feeds him fries.

“You really changed so suddenly,” Hyunmin says. “Before you were sort of… reserved? Before that you were really friendly and playful, even when you were going through a hard time. And when the show ended you became distant. We were getting closer but somehow the distance we had to cover grew.”

Haknyeon tilts his head to look up at Hyunmin. The expression on his face in pensive and Haknyeon can understand how he had been confusing. He feeds Hyunmin another few fries and asks, “Were you disappointed? You made me promise that I would debut but I dropped all of your good intentions and I wasn’t even close.”

Hyunmin sighs. “Don’t take this the wrong way, Haknyeon, but I am glad that you didn’t make it.”

“What?”

Hyunmin shifts his gaze and even leans away when Haknyeon sits up and tries to get him to look properly. Haknyeon prods him in the chest and demands his explanation. 

“I’m really selfish, Haknyeon,” Hyunmin whispers. “As much as I wanted you to do well I was worried about not getting to see you again. Even now we wouldn’t be able to meet because you would have to prepare hard for your debut and then you really would forget about me. At least like this you might debut some other time and we can still see each other for a little bit longer.”

Haknyeon has been training for over two years for one reason. To debut. And he has already failed at his biggest chance. But he thinks about if he had succeeded and didn’t have any worries about disappointing people. There would be something else bothering him. 

“So you’re not disappointed that I failed?” 

“No, of course not! I’m… I’m glad, Haknyeon.”

Haknyeon should probably be less happy to hear about someone so close to him being glad about this but right now it is nearing midnight and he is tired and he needs to wake up early tomorrow and Hyunmin’s words sound terribly romantic. 

“You have to take responsibility then, Hyunmin! I am going to be unsuccessful forever so that I can always stay by your side and you’re going to have to stay with me forever!”

Hyunmin scoffs. “You’re awful. You’ll debut soon. Just… now is for us, okay?”

Haknyeon is more than happy with that and maybe that’s why he suggests going to see a late-night showing of a film. There are only horror movies showing at this time and Haknyeon chooses the one with the more grotesque looking poster because he doesn’t actually care about the film. He just needs an excuse to spend a bit more time with Hyunmin.

They aren’t the only people in the theatre but they choose seats as far from other people as possible and they sit near the front of the screen and Haknyeon dozes off to Hyunmin’s arbitrary commentary about how the film is absolutely not scary. 

It is quarter to two when Haknyeon is shaken awake. He apologises but Hyunmin only grins at him and grabs his hand as they leave. 

“Why did you let me fall asleep?” Haknyeon asks. 

“You needed to rest. And you looked really cute.”

“That’s not a good enough reason. I can sleep at home. I wanted to spend more time with you but I wasted it by sleeping.” 

“You think of it as a waste but I will always be able to cherish the memory of you drooling on my shoulder,” Hyunmin says cheerily. 

 

*

 

Things are different and Haknyeon can’t think of anything that would make him happier. It would be nicer to see Hyunmin more often but he can’t expect too much when Hyunmin is busy with things too. Hyunmin sends selfies where he is exhausted in the corner of practice rooms and the taekwondo studio and Haknyeon sends all the encouragements he can before Hyunmin changes the subject to discuss the practicalities of letting aliens use wifi. 

There is one subject which is avoided very neatly by Hyunmin. He says he can’t wait to see Haknyeon, yet any question of whether he will attend the finale concerts is laughed off and there is some other distraction to see to. Haknyeon knows what this means but he can’t help but feel disappointed when it turns out that Hyunmin really didn’t come to see him perform on either night. 

Haknyeon knew but he still feels silly by being upset by it. He hopes it doesn’t come across in his voice when he waits for his sister to pick him up. 

“It is finally over,” Haknyeon says cheerily into his phone.

“It is the start of a new chapter,” Hyunmin agrees. “What’s next?”

Haknyeon shrugs and leans back against the wall. He needs to go home and remove his make-up but he wants to see Hyunmin. “More dates?” 

Hyunmin laughs, a soft sleepy sound. He hadn’t mentioned that he was already in bed. He hums and his breath is heavy like he is already so close to sleep. Haknyeon wishes that he could be beside him to hear it without the distortion of their phones. He could lie beside him and when he wakes in the morning Hyunmin would already be there and he wouldn’t have to wait to see him.

“I meant what are you going to do now that you’re done with Produce 101?” Hyunmin asks. “Has your company spoken to you yet?”

Haknyeon sighs. “I have a meeting on Tuesday. I don’t know what is decided. But do you want to meet up tomorrow?”

Haknyeon hopes his question sounds casual. He is supposed to go to his company building to take a dance class but he is fine with skipping to meet Hyunmin. It has been too long.

“I can’t tomorrow. I have a thing. There’s a competition coming up and I need to do as much as possible before then.”

“Oh,” Haknyeon says. “When is the competition? You haven’t mentioned it before.”

“It’s near the end of the month,” Hyunmin says. 

“Will you be able to meet me before then?”

Hyunmin hesitates and Haknyeon tries not to get annoyed over something like this and focuses the sudden excess of energy on walking around the carpark at the back of the concert venue. He was the one who wasted time before by being uncertain and projecting his own disappointment onto others. It is his own fault if things are just as difficult as they both thought they would be. Even though Haknyeon tries not to get annoyed he can’t deny what the weight in his chest is. 

“I really need to do well in this competition,” Hyunmin says. “I won’t really have time to come out and meet you and I have to be careful of what I eat so that it doesn’t affect my performance.”

“Right,” Haknyeon says. He can hear how terse he sounds but he can’t keep the irritation from his tone. 

“I know it is a pain for me to ask, especially as you are going to be so busy with training, but would you be able to come over on some days?” Hyunmin asks. 

“Oh.” Haknyeon misses a step and almost falls flat on his face. Hyunmin asks after him but Haknyeon is fine, he is just about standing and there is something else he needs to work out first. “You want me to come to your house? WIth your family and stuff?”

“Is that a bad idea?” Hyunmin asks. “If you don’t want to that’s fine, it’s just that I am going to be really tired and as much as I love you, Haknyeon, I can’t jeopordise my whole future over a few weeks when we have so much longer to work things out.”

“What did you say?” Haknyeon asks. He is standing but he feels winded as though he has been knocked down regardless. “Hyunmin, what did you just say?”

“I don’t know,” Hyunmin says, his voice sharpened from the sleepy softness of before. “What’s wrong, what did I say?”

Haknyeon is annoyed for a different reason now. “It sounded like you said that you love me.”

“Oh,” Hyunmin says. “Yeah. Is that weird for me to say?”

“It’s not weird,” Haknyeon says. “It’s just- Oh, my sister is here, hold on!”

Haknyeon’s sister only recently got her driving licence and since passing the test she has celebrated by driving very fast with lots of sharp turns and last minute checks of the road around her. Even though Haknyeon is having a very important phone call with Hyunmin he still hears her car, bass thumping and rattling windows, as she approaches well before she comes squealing onto the car park, spraying gravel and scree in her wake. 

Because Haknyeon's sister only recently passed her test, he feels like he should be more forgiving about the fact that she almost runs him over. As it stands, he is already mid-crisis and he doesn't need death to snatch him away just yet! 

He yanks open the passenger door and climbs into the car with his phone pressed against his ear, Hyunmin muttering nervously about whether he was ruining things. 

“Did you wait long?”

Haknyeon isn't sure how to answer that question because it suddenly feels like whatever he says now will only make time elongate, painfully slow, when he is sort of panicking. “I'm fine,” he says. His sister frowns. 

“You don't sound fine.”

“Can I go to Hyunmin's house?” Haknyeon asks. Hyunmin squeaks on the other end of the line and Haknyeon's sister frowns even more. 

“I don't remember becoming a taxi driver,” she says sardonically as she pauses her music. 

“Please, I'm sorry but this an emergency!”

Haknyeon doesn't really think that he deserves his sister sometimes. She does everything in the world for him and she doesn't make Haknyeon beg. She reaches for the satnav on the dashboard. “What is his address?”

“Thank you so much,” Haknyeon exhales, some of the tightness in his chest loosening with the softness of the smile turned on him in that moment. Haknyeon wants to be able to repay her quickly by becoming someone that she can rely on. Until then all he can do is thank her and hope that he never asks for too much from her. 

She raises her eyebrows and reminds Haknyeon that she needs the address so Haknyeon prompts Hyunmin for it. He barely manages to get it out of him through his sudden disbelief that Haknyeon wants to see him. Haknyeon always wants to see Hyunmin and Hyunmin even expressed the same. Haknyeon knows it is rude to invite himself to someone's house but he thinks Hyunmin is being quite rude too. 

Haknyeon hangs up the phone without saying goodbye and tries to calm down a bit. 

“What is the emergency?” Though her tone is casual, Haknyeon's sister can't disguise her interest with cheap tricks like cutting off other motorists. 

“Hyunmin said something to me,” Haknyeon says. 

“I'm sure he says lots of things to you though.”

Hyunmin does say lots of things to Haknyeon but he has never said something like this before. He hadn't even seen it coming. Haknyeon clears his throat delicately. “This is something that requires more discussion. I need to see him as soon as possible.”

When they arrive at Hyunmin’s house he is waiting to open the front door. He is wearing pyjamas and his hair is ruffled so Haknyeon starts to feel guilty about summoning him out of bed and chiselling that worry between his brows. 

“You really came,” Hyunmin says as he pulls Haknyeon into the house. He ushers Haknyeon's sister inside and takes them to the kitchen through the darkened hallway. 

It is late enough that Hyunmin could very well be the only one awake so Haknyeon feels extra rude about barging in like this. He isn't being very good to the people around him considering he was so worried about disappointing people before. He tries to convey his guilt to his sister but she only smiles as she chooses orange juice for both of them from the selection Hyunmin offers. 

“I had to come,” Haknyeon says. He thanks Hyunmin for the juice and stares down at it dumbly. “On the phone, you said something to me.”

Hyunmin nods as he replaces the carton of juice in the fridge. “Yeah. I did.”

“Why did you say it?” Haknyeon asks. Hyunmin looks alarmed and glances at Haknyeon's sister sitting at the breakfast bar, but she is doing a very good job of inspecting the orange juice between sips. Haknyeon grasps Hyunmin's wrist to reclaim his attention. “Ignore her, she already knows.”

“She already knows? ” Hyunmin groans. He slumps against the fridge and presses his forehead against the door. Haknyeon takes the opportunity to put his orange juice down beside his sister and clasps his hand with Hyunmin's. 

“Is it bad that she knows? Isn't that more normal than what you said to me?”

“I won't say it again,” Hyunmin grumbles. “If you don't want to hear that then I won't say it again.”

This isn't quite right. Haknyeon presses closer against Hyunmin's side. 

“I’m not annoyed because I didn't want to hear it. But we were just talking on the phone and you said it so suddenly! We haven't even been together for that long and suddenly you said it!”

Haknyeon's sister slurps louder at her orange juice. It is appreciated even if she doesn't need to resort to such measures. 

Haknyeon tugs on Hyunmin's arm and at least he moves away from the fridge enough to face Haknyeon. 

“I really won't say it again, I promise!”

“I don't want you to not say it again!” Haknyeon says crossly. “I want to know if you meant it!”

Hyunmin wraps his other hand around Haknyeon's and in the orange light overhead, his eyes glint with honey. Haknyeon already knows how weak he is for Hyunmin but being looked at with such affection makes his resolve dissolve - Hyunmin can do or say whatever he wants to. 

“Of course I meant it,” Hyunmin says. “I do - wait can I say it one more time? -  love you. I wouldn't say something like that without meaning it.”

Haknyeon's sister coughs though it is difficult to tell whether she does so to be polite or because she is surprised. It is the second time Haknyeon has heard this today and he is surprised too. He wants to tell Hyunmin off for saying things too easily but he doesn't feel as weird about it as he probably should and he feels less annoyed than earlier because the way Hyunmin is looking at him as he says it seems so genuine. 

“You really mean it?” Haknyeon asks. Hyunmin nods solemnly and Haknyeon huffs, “Well I am going to blow you away with how beautiful and sincere my declaration of love will be.”

Haknyeon's sister is in silent stitches at the breakfast bar while Hyunmin gapes. 

“Are you saying you love me too?”

Haknyeon catches himself before he replies directly. “Whether I do or I don't I won't tell you now because you won't be surprised by how romantic and wonderful I am.”

Hyunmin narrows his eyes. “Are you making this into a competition?”

Haknyeon is entirely serious when he says, “Of course I am.”

 

*

 

Three weeks and two days pass between the day Haknyeon fails to make it into Wanna One and the day the press release about him joining his fellow Cre.ker trainees is revealed. The time doesn’t seem that long at all and Haknyeon wonders whether it is something he deserves considering how much of the time he has spent moping around and feeling sorry for himself. But seven weeks prior, Haknyeon had held Hyunmin in his arms and wondered how long they would have to stand, wrapped together, before the disappointment evaporated from Hyunmin’s voice. Haknyeon only waits until he is dismissed from the meeting room and the boys outside the room have congratulated him before he calls Hyunmin with the news. 

Sangyeon is still giving a very wordy-speech about how wonderful it is for Haknyeon to join the team when Hyunmin answers the call. 

Haknyeon can barely get the words out because he remembers midway through talking that he needs to tell his family too but somehow Hyunmin knows with the fragments of words that catch on Haknyeon's teeth. 

“You did it!” Hyunmin cheers. It isn’t entirely true because Haknyeon hasn't actually debuted and it is only news that he won't be left behind after all, but Haknyeon is touched enough that he gets a bit teary. 

It is Jacob who eventually pulls Sangyeon away with the suggestion of giving Haknyeon some time alone. Haknyeon doesn’t have any thoughts on whether or not is better that the rest of the trainees leave him alone but when it is just him and his phone it is easier to hear Hyunmin as he tells Haknyeon how great he is. 

“You’re going to debut,” Hyunmin says. “You’re going to become the biggest star in Korea, just like I said.” 

Haknyeon laughs and tells Hyunmin that he will do the same and he tries not to be too put off by the hesitance on the other end of the line. Hyunmin needs to hang up because he was in the middle of something when Haknyeon called so they agree to talk later.

Two weeks later (nine weeks since Haknyeon broke his promise to Hyunmin, five weeks since they were both able to confirm that they liked each other, three and a half weeks since Haknyeon realised his misery made even the people closest to him uncomfortable, three weeks since Hyunmin said he loved Haknyeon, two weeks since Haknyeon heard the news that the promise wasn't broken after all) Hyunjoon approaches Haknyeon and Sunwoo in the small practice room at the end of the corridor. It isn’t the easiest place to find someone so that is why Sunwoo chose that place when he whispered to Haknyeon that he had something to show him. 

Sunwoo pulling Haknyeon aside to rap to him has become a semi-regular occurrence since Haknyeon was confirmed to join the debut. Even as close as they were, Haknyeon had noticed Sunwoo taking Youngjae aside and he had wondered what that was about. He still isn't sure if it is a relief that it was for rap demonstrations. 

Considering Sunwoo had shyly pulled Haknyeon aside to ask him to listen he continues his verse boldly even after Hyunjoon squats in the corner of the room. 

“That was really cool,” Haknyeon says when Sunwoo finishes. Sunwoo smiles. 

“Don't you want to hear something more constructive than that?” Hyunjoon asks. Sunwoo stutters his way through a retort but Hyunjoon isn't listening. He pulls Haknyeon's phone out of his pocket and says, “Your phone was ringing.”

As Haknyeon accepts his phone, a cursory inspection does not yield a good result. “I don't have a missed call or a message.”

“That's because I answered it,” Hyunjoon shrugs. His mouth stretches into a grin and he tilts his head at Haknyeon. “He's even worse than you are.”

“What is that supposed to mean?”

Hyunjoon stands leisurely and stretches his arms above his head. “Chanhee is taking us out for lunch by the way.”

“Don't just change the subject like that!” Haknyeon says crossly, betrayal bubbling in his chest as Sunwoo gravitates uncertainly towards Hyunjoon. 

“Not you,” Hyunjoon says much less leisurely as he drags Sunwoo from the practice room. “Your boyfriend said something about meeting you.”

Haknyeon wants to tell them off: Hyunjoon for being so cheeky and presumptuous, Sunwoo for laughing, even Hyunmin for saying anything to Hyunjoon at all! It hasn't been a long time but Haknyeon does like Hyunmin a lot and he supposes it might really be safe to refer to him as his boyfriend rather than a friend. But this isn't something Haknyeon can decide all on his own. 

He calls Hyunmin and tries not to sound as though he is at all cross about Hyunmin talking to Hyunjoon, and he tries not to sound as though he is wondering whether it would be possible to call him his boyfriend. Even while trying hard not to sound a certain way it is very easy to focus on how bright Hyunmin sounds. 

Hyunjoon hadn’t been lying and Haknyeon wasn’t being abandoned for lunch. He rushes out to meet Hyunmin but when he sees Hyunmin he thinks he should have changed into something nicer than the clothes he had been wearing to practice in. 

“You look good,” Hyunmin says when Haknyeon reaches him at the corner of the street where the Loen building is. It isn’t the least conspicuous place to meet but Haknyeon didn’t think much of it when Hyunmin said that he was waiting outside. 

There is something different about Hyunmin today and Haknyeon can’t quite but his finger on it. He hugs Hyunmin briefly and just about remembers to actually open his mouth to say, “You look really handsome.”

Hyunmin grins and holds out his hand for Haknyeon to hold. “Your handsome boyfriend is here to take you out for lunch with some of his prize money.”

This is the first time they have met in person since Hyunmin won first place at his last Taekwondo competition. Hyunmin had called Haknyeon on the day, muttering and stuttering his way through his shock at making it one step closer to national representation, but Haknyeon hadn’t yet congratulated him in person. He firmly grasps Hyunmin’s hand. 

“You are not spending your prize money on me!” Haknyeon says. The prize isn’t very big considering the prestige of the competition and Haknyeon isn’t going to let Hyunmin waste it on things like lunch. “You should put it towards something special.”

Hyunmin tugs on Haknyeon’s hand as he starts off down the street. “You’re special.”

Haknyeon wants to hear things like that all the time but not when he is trying to be a good friend-maybe-boyfriend. But it is difficult to stop himself from smiling and even as they walk Hyunmin lifts their linked hands to press a kiss to Haknyeon’s wrist. 

“Whether or not you think that, you can’t spend your money on buying me lunch.”

“Alright,” Hyunmin says. “I’m hungry so I will buy myself lunch but what about you? I’m not going to let you go hungry while I eat as much as I like.”

“I can buy myself lunch.”

“Can you? Were you expecting to come on a lunch date with me to a fancy restaurant?”

Haknyeon’s mind catches on ‘date’ before ‘fancy’. He wasn’t expecting any of this so he doesn’t have any money with him. Back at the agency he has some energy bars and the other half of the sandwich he had made himself for breakfast. And of course is the fact that he is dressed to dance for hours rather than to indulge in some fine dining. 

“How fancy is the restaurant?” Haknyeon asks. Hyunmin doesn’t give a direct answer and instead begins talking about how much he has missed seeing Haknyeon in person. 

It hasn’t been long since they last saw one another but it hasn’t been long since they first started meeting and talking under the pretext of liking one another. It hasn’t even been long since they first met. Everything about them has been brief and momentary but within that has been the uncertainty of eternities and Haknyeon agrees. He has missed Hyunmin too, so he doesn’t mind so much that they can admit that while Hyunmin doesn’t reveal anything about their lunch plans as they take the subway. 

It turns out that fancy is very fancy and Haknyeon is almost glad that Hyunmin kept this from him. Even though it is lunch time the restaurant is bustling. Everything is dripping with gold and the lofty intricacies of exotic royalty. 

Haknyeon slips his hand out of Hyunmin’s when they are inside the Thai restaurant and tries not to pay too much attention to the other diners as they wait to be seated. Their table is in a secluded area at the back of the restaurant, hidden away behind huge potted plants with waxy verdant leaves.

“Getting gold has its perks,” Hyunmin grins when Haknyeon comments on how private their table is considering the business levels of the restaurant. “We can have a proper date. I could even kiss you right here.”

Haknyeon slaps his hands over Hyunmin’s mouth to stop any more ridiculous things. Kissing! In public! They shouldn’t make a habit of kissing in public where people could see them and comment on what a cute couple they make. The waitress arrives with their menus and Haknyeon slithers back into his seat. 

“We are not going to kiss here,” Haknyeon says when the waitress is gone. 

“I didn’t say that we would,” Hyunmin says. “I only said that we  _ could _ . It’s a hypothetical situation because just thinking about my gold medal makes you swoon.”

“Your medal doesn’t make me swoon,” Haknyeon grumbles. “You make me swoon all by yourself.” 

Hyunmin splutters and it is Haknyeon who has to order for them while the waitress sends concerned glances at Hyunmin. She says she will bring some water as soon as possible and Haknyeon thanks her. 

“I make you swoon?” Hyunmin wheezes. 

“Of course. You’re very nice to look at. You’re a bit too nice to look at. You’re… distracting.”

The waitress returns in time to pour a glass of water from the jug she brings and shoves it into Hyunmin’s chest before hurrying off. Haknyeon would do the same to avoid having to administer first aid on a busy work day. Hyunmin manages to stop spluttering and choking and his eyes are watering a bit as he looks across the table at Haknyeon. 

“How can you say that? I haven’t even started dieting yet!” 

Haknyeon frowns. “What does dieting have to do with anything?”

Hyunmin’s mouth closes quickly and he shrugs. “I don’t know. Nothing. Never mind. What did you order for me? I wasn’t listening because I was choking.”

“Red curry,” Haknyeon says. “Why would you need to diet? Is there a weight-class thing?”

Hyunmin hesitates. “Sort of.”

“Hyunmin, just tell me what you mean. You’re plenty good looking. I already said you’re too good looking! Do you think I would find you distracting even when you aren’t around if that wasn’t the case?”

Hyunmin smiles awkwardly, the expression sitting lop-sidedly on his face as he fiddles with everything within arm’s reach. Haknyeon slides his hand over Hyunmin’s to still it as he rolls his napkin across the table. He glances briefly up at Haknyeon and his brows furrow. 

“It’s not really anything,” Hyunmin says. “A bunch of us have been hanging out and having fun but our companies are sort of involved.”

Hyunmin doesn’t say anything for a moment so it is up to Haknyeon to say, “Are you going to elaborate? You’re being sort of confusing right now.” 

“There are people who were really popular like Eunki and Sunghyuk, and there are people who didn’t do as well as they should have and we’re all hanging out and messing around and it might become something.”

Haknyeon squeezes Hyunmin’s hand and it gets a brief smile but not much more than that. “Hyunmin, why are you so nervous? What sort of something are you talking about?”

Hyunmin has been there enough for Haknyeon that it should go without saying that the inverse is true. Haknyeon is always prepared to listen to Hyunmin and try to make him happy. Hyunmin makes Haknyeon feel happy so why would Haknyeon want to sit here without a care as Hyunmin is ruminating on nerves and struggling to say something. 

“Hyunmin, I want to know. Whatever it is, I’m here and I’m listening.” 

“There are a few of us who have been throwing around ideas like making a group. It might be nice.”

Haknyeon’s mouth drops open but he regains his composure moments later and he grasps both of Hyunmin’s hands and claps them together. “That’s good right? Is that what you’re trying to tell me? You’re making a group.”

“Yeah,” Hyunmin says slowly. 

“That’s definitely good! Why are you being like this?”

“Aren’t you going to tell me it is silly to join in? I’m an athlete but I really want to be an idol too. Even though I am doing well at something like my sport I still want to try. I really like performing,” Hyunmin says. 

Haknyeon huffs. “If you didn’t want to be an idol we would never have met! How could I possibly say you’re being silly?”

Hyunmin shrugs but he doesn’t look quite so nervous about things now. “Well we’ve met now. Shouldn’t I give it up?”

Haknyeon knows that he isn’t being very mature but he can’t help but kick Hyunmin under the table. “We can meet even more now! You had better tell everyone else that you want to join them!”

“You think it’s a good idea?” Hyunmin asks.

“I love you, you idiot! Of course I will be happy if you tell me that you are going to debut too! It is a brilliant idea!” Haknyeon wails. 

Hyunmin shifts uncomfortably in his seat and says, “It hasn’t been confirmed yet. And that isn't much better than how I said I love you.”

Haknyeon pouts. 

Twenty three weeks pass between the day Haknyeon meets Hyunmin and the day he admits to loving him and Hyunmin can't even accept the feelings nicely. Haknyeon thinks back three weeks and realises this is what he deserves seeing as his reaction was no better. 

Haknyeon decides that in twenty three more weeks he will do this all again but he will dazzle Hyunmin with the sincerity and depth of his love instead of saying is accidentally. In twenty three weeks maybe they will both have debuted and the promises they made to each other nine weeks before (and all the smaller promises they have made since) can be kept between them. 

**Author's Note:**

> this was much different to what i had originally planned but when i ground to a halt with my usual style i changed some things around and decided to give haknyeon's pov a try as well as other things. it turned out way longer than i wanted it to be considering the lack of things that happen but it was really fun to write this pairing (as it always is hahaha) and i hope whoever submitted this prompt thinks it is okay!!! i am happy that someone out there wanted to read this pairing even if i got greedy and snatched this prompt before anyone else had a chance to give it a try TT anyway i hope this isn't too boring to read hahaha!!!


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